Bad poets society

Sliding into your emails after 3 years

Bad, bad, bad. I’m as bad as that guy who hits you up when they feel like it and says he “prefers intimacy without commitment.” And well… i’m just like him. I come crawling back with excuses. Mine? Because I had nothing to offer you. Wasn’t feeling inspired here, and you deserve a post brimming with energy. Not duty. This is pleasure reading for goodness sakes. Taking time out of your day/night to read this… gotta make it good. So this is me grovelling for forgiveness, offering something for it.

Here’s what I have to share. Last night I read poetry at my friend’s reading at Reference Point in London and 12hrs later i’m still coming down from the adrenaline. The guiding theme of the evening was the letter R. It was part of the Alphabet Poem Pamphlet Series, which presents a pamphlet a month in collaboration with a poet—past or present—whose work or practice has shaped the space in some way or another. And my friend’s work on the body, sexuality and interpersonal relationships certainly has. Here’s one of my favourites by her. But she’s got so many good ones. Her focus for ‘R’ was romance, regret, the road…

And. It was maybe one of the best nights of my life. To feel so creatively aligned, to do something scary but exciting, to read in front of a packed crowd while staying present and calm with the music/musicians, to be surrounded by support and friendship and enthusiasm to hear god damn sexy and hilarious poems from other readers.

It felt like a night that anyone could enjoy no matter how much you love a good stanza or naht. The music by The Arpees, The Buurgs, EKAS and DJing by SANA was so vibey, the library/bookshop/bar environment was cosy af, the visual art by Sofia Duato was so sick, and everyone seemed down to turn up on a Tuesday. On a TUESDAY. You heard me.

Disclaimer I am not a poet but I couldn’t say no to my friend asking me to write and perform one. She has a beautiful mind, a generous spirit and has opened my world in London in so many ways. I figured it’s worth embarrassing myself for a night to repay some of this debt I will always owe her. However, it didn’t feel embarrassing up there!

It was a rush. Here are some pics from the night and my silly lil poem. Thank you to my friend for asking me to read, thank you to everyone who came, and thank you to everyone who helped me edit this poem. This whole process was so special and meant a ton to me.*

*However I am unwilling and unable to make commitments to doing live poetry again, or when my next substack post will be.

Enjoiiiiii

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OUR LAST RODEO

Can’t pay for a car with a dead-end job
so you pick me up after my shift
in your mum’s minivan 

For once making use of all that space
We pile my shit in the back 
Black trash bags like lugging the dead

Where naked bodies 
once tangled in the trunk
lit up under TK Maxx parking lot lights

Your finger on my lips
whispering shhhh 
as strangers passed

Now we just drive 
Looking through my things to pass the time
my old Catholic school uniform

Can you believe I wore this in high school? 
Buttoned up with limbs crossed
For a second I forget where I am—vertigo

That creeping feeling comes 
until I can't do this any longer 
I’m rabid, ready to burst at the seams

So pent up inside but I hold on  
I want to scream
Do kegels instead

You could pull over to some trendy East London bar
where the bouncer in workman overalls thinks he’s a riot
This is not a public toilet. You have to buy something

And I’d knock on the window 
you’d roll it down
Can you give me £5? 

Baby I’m broke
I decide to spare us the shame 
and hold it in

“Love is the running towards”
the sign above the fire station says
but you take me away from tomorrow

Grabbing my clammy hand 
I lean over the consul, my head on your shoulder
a reflex—with Pavlov to blame

Whoever said confront the truth 
doesn't know how it feels
to be too broke to piss with dignity

My leg twitches, you think it’s funny
But this is no laughing matter
Two wolves tearing at my bladder 

You turn down the radio
A heart thumps—it’s mine 
Oh God… someone restrain me 

I blurt out the worst thing I ever did 
until I have nothing left to say 
maybe confession will relieve me 

You’re a warrior
you spin your wheels,
tell me I'm so strong

turning my rot into roses
but I don’t want to be at war
anymore

I want to pee my brains out
Humiliation is a kink
but I just can’t keep it in

Friends tell me: focus on the facts
The fact is
you were a good fuck

There’s no ground to stand on
Four wheels but 
no earth below

Your hand touches my leg
I’m wet immediately
the other kind, okay

I loved you like a pipe dream
like a solicited dick pic
drunk on possibility

The only absolution 
I need
is a hole in the ground

You get what you give
Someone please give me a goddamn toilet
I’ll do anything to pay off this debt 

Against my better judgement
I stare into the morning sun
C’mon now

Passenger princess, king behind the wheel
This is not our first rodeo
in fact it’s our last

Close the door, squeeze my legs 
God I hate goodbyes. So this is it
Bye for real this time

New flat, new keyring
I can feel my defences
go up like the walls that are just mine

We’ve got the rest of our lives now
I’m so close to coming on the carpet 
Fuck it

Trickling down my denim 
the sweetest release 
Smells putrid

But I finally know 
what it’s like 
to pee in peace