loss training

I’ve been in the business
of loss training
for a while now
stand still
the greatest loser ever says,
"yeah dude” and “yeah man”
fist to fist

Is this fucked up—
reading texts in archive jail
from another arrest
when I should read the rest of Shelia Heti,
news about the earthquake.
something productive, earth-shatteringly
intelligent?

my toes are bleeding and I need a bandaid

what is the point of being so strong
when it just leaves me alone?

extricated feelings
like forcing a shit
black avocados on the street corner—
something only a dog would lick

hungry for more than scraps

my girlfriend messages me, “are you keen?”
about the guy from the pub last night
and I’m flattered as much as
an amnesiac could be

I google with blind hope
and I’m deflated
like the inflatable man outside a car dealership
after hours

can’t tell if I’m on the brink of crying or falling asleep
maybe both